A Better Version of You, Now

If there was ever a time to put all your learning, best habits and practices to use, it’s now.   The crisis we’re facing is serving to break the transparency of our habitual ways of thinking and doing and providing us the opportunity to assess the current version of ourselves we’re putting out into the world.  While easier to practice being your best self when things are going well, it’s in the worst of times that your best version faces the true test.

Most of you reading this are change makers – leaders, coaches, therapists, consultants, managers – and a good part of the work we do is to support others to see and express their greatness, even when they can’t see it.  In these extraordinary times, our best self is being tested as is the best self of those we work with and support. 

Over the past several weeks I spent time talking with lots of change makers from all around the world, about what they were doing to manage their own self in these challenging times and also what, if anything, they were doing to upgrade to an even better version of themselves (which I do believe the world is demanding of us all). Five themes emerged from our conversations that are worth sharing with you in the hope they will spark a new habit in your being and doing. 

1) It really all boils down to managing your thoughts. 

Thinking is part of being human, you can’t escape it (except for those fleeting moments of ‘no-thought’ you might have when/if you meditate).  Your thinking allows you to navigate your world; it serves you to survive, relate, and create your future.  But, it is also your thoughts, especially the ones that you are less conscious of, that create your experience of life and get in the way of who you want to be and what you want to do.   

I have a friend who is consumed with fear and scarcity right now.  She’s petrified to leave her house.  She constantly watches the news feeds and media outlets for the latest updates.  It’s certainly understandable but I know many others who are not living in that level of fear or scarcity.  I have another friend who has cancer and he is grateful, hopeful and filling his days learning graphic arts, something he’s always wanted to do.  The external circumstances they both face is the same…but their response is completely different. So what’s the difference?  Mostly it’s the thinking – the thoughts - that each are allowing and focusing on.

If you practice fearful thoughts (as my friend has done for much of her life), the world shows up as needing to be fearful of.  If you practice gratitude or the glass is half-full thinking, the world shows up very differently and possibilities exist.  The external circumstances are the same. Yes, Covid-19 is real and there are things we need to do to stay safe. But how those circumstances occur to you is based on your habits in thinking.  And those thoughts will determine what actions you take, what emotions you’ll experience, how the world will show up for you, and ultimately what is and isn’t possible for you.

Whatever thoughts you allow will determine your experience of reality.   THE most important thing you can do is to be vigilant about what thoughts you entertain and where you put your attention.  Ideally, you want to surround yourself with messages and people where you feel supported, encouraged, even lovingly challenged and not where you collude with others’ fearful thinking.

One of my colleagues suggested posting this inquiry someplace visible as a reminder to pay more attention to what thoughts you are indulging in:

Where is my attention, right now?     is this the best I can choose for my well-being?

2) Going inward is as important as going outward. 

Going inward, call it mindfulness or stillness or a sitting practice, cultivates the conditions in our being that prepare us for being our best, non-triggered self in the world. 

The best definition I’ve come across for it was given by Jon Kabat-Zinn as “paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally.”   It’s about observing your thoughts and feelings that float in and out of your consciousness, without judging them as good or bad. It is the nature of the mind to always be moving.  The question is:  Is your mind moving towards, around and on what you most care about?  Or has your mind, your thinking, been hijacked down a path that just doesn’t serve? Going inward can act like noise-cancelling headphones to counter-act the collective narrative of fear in these times.

Yes, it’s also important to take right action in these times but, to do that well, you have to change the unhelpful thoughts that you operate from.  You want to go inward and create a fertile ground of being from which to generate right actions from.

3) Move your body.

As human beings, our thinking and our emotions are impacted by our biology and physiology.   As an example, you know from experience that when you don’t physically feel well, it’s harder to be optimistic about the future or to make good decisions or to inspire your team.  Movement builds not only a healthier and more agile body, but agility in the mind as well.  Now, more than ever, it’s important to MOVE to keep up your mental health as much as your physical health.  Walk, dance in your living room, stretch, do a class with someone online – JUST MOVE!

4) Get Beyond Your ‘Self’ and Practice One Act of Generosity Daily.

There are many, many people who don’t have the resources (physical, emotional, financial, intellectual) to navigate these times.  Everyone I spoke to was intentionally doing more for others in both small and big ways - such as taking groceries to an elderly neighbor, stopping to speak to the homeless person on the corner, buying something from a street vendor to keep their business going, letting someone go in front of you in the long market line, organizing groups to do larger volunteer projects.  One person said they were just being more patient with everyone in their lives (which was a very big step for her).  Being more generous in the face of all the chaos and fear helped them transcend their own individual concerns and challenges. 

Generosity takes many forms; it isn’t just financial.  There’s generosity of your time, of your attention to someone, of more deeply listening to someone you wouldn’t normally do that with, of digging deep to bring a smile of hope to another, even if you are in doubt.

Maybe you start your own practice of Daily Generosity by asking: What’s one small thing that I can do today to become a more generous version of myself?

5) Bring Loads and Loads of Self-Compassion.

You KNOW how ‘judgy’ we human beings are.  We are always making assessments, having opinions, critiquing everything and everyone.  These times can bring out the worst judgements in us and much of it can be brutally self-directed.

Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various perceived inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding and patient with your own self.  You want to be vigilant and fiercely watchful that you don’t start down that slippery slope of judging you for what you have or haven’t done or for who you haven’t become, yet. 

What I notice about these themes – watch your thoughts; go inward as much as outward;  move your body; practice generosity and be vigilantly self compassionate – is how they all create a deeper and stronger foundation for being a more resilient human being. They are simple (although not necessarily easy) ways to build your nervous system’s capacity to adapt to unfamiliar circumstances, to better self regulate, and to cultivate an even better version of yourself. 

Yes, go and do and achieve and accomplish and get results.  That’s how we human beings work and that’s how the world works.  But HOW you go about that, especially now, matters even more.

Life by Drift or Design

One of my clients recently told me that after 27 years of marriage her husband has just asked for a divorce. Apparently he had been miserable for the last 15 of those 27 years. ‘No’, she didn’t see any signs of his unhappiness but then again, she admitted that she’s been pretty caught up in her own work for so long that maybe she didn’t notice the signs. Another client, a senior manager, has been so overwhelmed with work for so long that he’s gotten use to only spending about 10 hours a month with his family. It’s ‘not ideal’ he says but there isn’t much he can do about either.

I can’t tell you how many people I’ve worked with over the years that have similar stories. Their professions and life circumstances vary widely but they are all surprised and disillusioned to find themselves in circumstances, relationships, and jobs that have little connection any more with what’s really important to them. Somewhere along the course of their life they got caught in what I call the drift.

Whether leading others or leading your own life it seems to me there are two primary paths you can take. You either spend most of your time reacting to circumstances, acting mostly out of habit and at the effect of what others want of you (the drift) OR you are conscious and purposeful in designing how you spend your time, and with whom, as a reflection of what matters most to you.

OK, maybe it’s not that simple or black and white, but it’s a powerful way to orient yourself in both your professional and personal life.

In the drift, your life is the result of just the way you’ve come to do things. It’s a result of a million small and not-so-small decisions that you made out of habit or fear or justifications and reasons to accommodate to the circumstances.

In the design, your life is about consciously choosing to take actions consistent with your values, your inner knowing, and your most important cares.

In the drift, you’re blind to the possibilities that things could be done differently. You take your habitual choices and your ways of responding to things as the norm.

In the design you’re aware that your thinking and your actions are either generating what you want or they aren’t.

In the drift, you are more likely to blame your circumstances or others for why you don’t have what you want.

In the design you know you have more choice than you think you do. You know you have options to design it differently and you always have the option to relate to your circumstances differently, even if you can’t change them.

In the drift you have a whole lot of reasons why you have to keep doing what you’re doing.
In the design you muster your courage and take risks to get results, and, even if you fail, you know you were acting out of alignment and integrity with what matters most.

The drift shows up in subtle and not-so-subtle ways. Take, for example, the senior manager who is so overwhelmed with work that he doesn’t have time to return emails in a timely manner. Ironically, the lack of communication with his team is the reason there are so many emails in the first place but he can’t see that - he doesn’t have the time. Or consider the project team that is so busy reacting to changing user requirements that they don’t step back to see if the overall project plan and direction still makes sense to their customers.

I worked with the CEO of a medical research lab who had been putting up with a verbally abusive boss for 4 years. Getting her son through college was the reason that she justified not taking different actions. There’s the HR Director who traveled internationally every month and was considered a superstar at work, year after year exceeding all the milestones, but was starting to wonder if there was more to life than an 80 hour work week with little energy or time left to tend to her own wants and needs outside of work.

You, yourself, may have been saying for some time that you’re going to finish writing that book, or start a new business, or move to a new town, or get back to exercising - but everything else takes precedent. You’ve been unhappy at your current work for a while but everyone is telling you how good you have it made so you stay. You’ve been so busy tending to kids, or to that little voice in your head insisting you work hard so you aren’t found out as an imposter, or to the demands of your boss, spouse or parents, that you’ve ignored your own health, well-being and aspirations.

Let’s face it, we all have been taken by the drift at different times in our lives. I even think the drift can be a healthy space to hang out in for a while - taking the time to more deeply listen to what wants to emerge next in your personal or professional life. It’s just that too many people don’t even know they’re in the drift, don’t know or believe there’s an alternative.

The problem with that is - and that old saying sums it up perfectly - ‘if you always do what you’ve always done you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten.’ You see, the future exists only in the present. Let me say that again in case you missed it. The future exists only in the present. If there isn’t attention on it now then you will be a product of the drift of action, not the author of them. You’ll keep getting more of the same.

So, maybe it’s worth your time to consider this important but undervalued exploration. Ask yourself: Are you living and leading, right now, by drift or by design? Are you conscious and intentional and designing the actions needed to take care of what you most care about? Or, are you too busy reacting to circumstances, events, and what other people want for and from you?

It’s not too late if you answered yes to the latter. It will take awareness, courage and some friendly support. But, in the end, who do you want to say authored your life?